From the outside, leaving an unhealthy relationship can seem straightforward.
“If they treat you badly, why not just leave?”
For someone living inside a relationship characterized by narcissistic abuse, coercive control, emotional abuse, or repeated manipulation, the experience can be very different.
A person may recognize that the relationship is hurting them and still feel intensely attached to their partner. They may leave and return. They may miss the person after separating. They may question whether the relationship was really “that bad.”
These reactions can be confusing—but they make more sense when we look beyond individual incidents and understand the relational pattern.
The Relationship Wasn’t Always Painful
Many difficult relationships contain periods of intense connection, affection, promises, reconciliation, or hope.
The person who hurts you may also be the person who comforts you.
After conflict, there may be apologies, affection, promises to change, or a return to the version of the relationship you desperately want back.
This inconsistency can make leaving emotionally complicated.
You aren’t necessarily grieving only the relationship you had.
You may also be grieving the relationship you believed was possible.
Intermittent Reinforcement Can Strengthen Attachment
When affection, validation, attention, or safety become unpredictable, a person may become increasingly focused on when the positive version of the relationship will return.
Periods of distress may be followed by affection or reconciliation.
That unpredictability can create a powerful cycle:
Tension → Hurt → Distance → Reconciliation → Hope → Tension again.
Instead of making attachment disappear, the instability can sometimes intensify the person’s focus on the relationship.
Cognitive Dissonance Can Create Mental Gymnastics
Two realities may exist at the same time:
“This person hurts me.”
and
“This person loves me.”
Trying to reconcile those opposing experiences can create enormous internal conflict.
A survivor may find themselves explaining, minimizing, rationalizing, or questioning what happened:
“Maybe I overreacted.”
“They’ve had a difficult life.”
“They’re wonderful when things are good.”
“Maybe if I communicate differently, things will change.”
“But they apologized.”
This doesn’t mean the survivor is incapable of understanding the relationship. It may reflect an attempt to make sense of experiences that repeatedly contradict one another.
Coercive Control Can Make Leaving Even More Complicated
Leaving may involve much more than ending an emotional relationship.
A controlling partner may have influence over finances, housing, children, transportation, social relationships, immigration circumstances, reputation, technology, or access to resources.
Some survivors also worry about what will happen after separation.
Ending the relationship does not necessarily end controlling behaviour.
“Why Didn’t You Leave?” Is Often the Wrong Question
A more useful question may be:
“What made leaving difficult?”
That question opens the door to understanding attachment, fear, practical barriers, hope, manipulation, isolation, trauma, and the larger pattern surrounding the survivor.
And importantly, leaving is not the only point at which someone may need support.
Recovery continues afterward.
You Can Miss Someone and Still Choose Not to Return
Missing someone does not prove the relationship was healthy.
Grieving does not mean leaving was a mistake.
Feeling attached does not require you to act on that attachment.
Recovery can involve learning to hold two truths at once:
I cared about this person.
And this relationship was hurting me.
Both can be true.
Join Our September Virtual Survivor Group
If these experiences feel familiar, you do not have to explain everything perfectly before seeking support.
Our Virtual Survivor Group Psychotherapy provides a professionally facilitated space for people navigating narcissistic abuse, coercive control, emotional abuse, and complex relationship dynamics.
September 23 & 26, 2026
Virtual | $25 per session
Register for Virtual Survivor Group Therapy
Can’t attend live? Explore our self-paced survivor courses and recorded resources through our Linktree.
Prefer face-to-face support? In-Person Survivor Group Psychotherapy in Ottawa is $35 per session.
Visit our Linktree for self-paced survivor courses and recorded resources.
