One of the most confusing experiences after leaving a harmful relationship can be missing the person who hurt you.
You may know why you left.
You may remember the manipulation, criticism, control, fear, gaslighting, or emotional instability.
And still:
You miss them.
This contradiction can leave survivors wondering, “What is wrong with me?”
The better question is: What happened inside this relationship that made the attachment so difficult to break?
Understanding Trauma Bonding
The term trauma bond is commonly used to describe a powerful attachment that can develop within relationships involving repeated cycles of mistreatment alongside periods of affection, relief, reconciliation, or reward.
The relationship isn’t painful every moment.
That’s part of what can make it so confusing.
There may be wonderful periods.
There may be affection.
There may be promises.
There may be moments when the person appears to become exactly who you hoped they would be.
Then the relationship changes again.
The Cycle Can Become the Relationship
Imagine repeatedly experiencing:
Connection → Tension → Harm → Distance → Apology → Affection → Hope → Connection.
After enough repetitions, the relief that follows distress can feel incredibly powerful.
The survivor may not simply be waiting for the abuse to stop.
They may be waiting for the good version of the relationship to return.
You May Be Missing More Than the Person
Sometimes survivors are grieving:
who the person appeared to be initially,
the future they imagined,
the family they hoped to create,
the promises that were made,
the periods when the relationship felt safe,
or the person they themselves were before everything became complicated.
That grief is real even when the relationship was unhealthy.
Missing Them Is Not the Same as Needing to Return
An emotion is not an instruction.
You can miss someone without contacting them.
You can love someone while recognizing that the relationship isn’t safe or healthy for you.
You can grieve and continue moving forward.
The goal does not have to be forcing yourself to feel nothing.
Recovery can instead involve understanding why the attachment became so powerful and learning to make decisions based on your wellbeing rather than the intensity of the moment.
Understanding Can Reduce Shame
Survivors are frequently judged for returning to relationships.
They may judge themselves even more harshly.
Understanding the relational cycle allows us to replace:
“Why am I doing this?”
with:
“What is keeping this attachment alive?”
That is a very different conversation.
October Virtual Survivor Group Psychotherapy
Continue exploring these patterns in a professionally facilitated therapeutic group.
October 28 & 31, 2026
Virtual | $25 per session
You are welcome whether you recently left, have been separated for some time, or are trying to understand what happened.
Register for Virtual Survivor Group Therapy
Prefer in-person support? Ottawa In-Person Survivor Group Psychotherapy is $35 per session.
You can also explore self-paced survivor courses and recorded resources through our Linktree.
Visit our Linktree for self-paced survivor courses and recorded resources.
